ROAD MAP TO FORMAL TABLE SETTINGS

Set of Place Setting Formal Dinner

It’s Saturday and we missed our Friday target date for our weekly shoot-the-shit. Explaining why we missed the Friday deadline would require me to relive the day and I beg to be spared. So, here we are a day late.

If you are new to the Blog, each Friday we come up with a topic that may or may not depart from the site’s central theme. As a reader, you can make any unsupported comment, insult anyone one you wish, use profanity or change the subject altogether; you will not be censored nor will you be billed for the mental douche the opportunity provides. This is our promise to you!

It’s been brought to our attention, that some of you may not be at the top of your game when it comes to formal dinning experience. We’ve seen accusations of both accidental and intentional expulsion of intestinal putrefaction, excessive belching, improper use of flatware, etc., etc. We also recognize that most of you have not had the opportunity to attend a military academy and be pronounced gentleman by  act of Congress. Have no fear, we are here to help!

When confronted with a formal event, don’t just sit there looking at the other guests sitting at your table as they may be equally uninformed. The photograph above provides an intuitive description of each item’s function. But, how do you use all this crap? Always start from the outside in!

Other rules you should follow…

  1. Chances are that you’ll be sitting close to someone else. Please keep your elbows down, especially when cutting meats. Your carbine training has prepared you for this so tuck those chicken wings in!
  2. In most formal settings, you’ll be provided with mineral water; drinking it will eventually result in a need to burp. When said need arises, looking like you know everything, bring your napkin up to your mouth and quietly relieve yourself. This is perfectly acceptable.
  3. Expulsion of intestinal putrefaction, of any sort and irrespective of sound pressure level,  is completely unacceptable.
  4. In addition to the items shown in the training aid above, you will generally be provided with a small shallow bowl containing water and a lemon wedge. This is intended for cleaning your hands after eating, typically, finger foods. Please do not drink this water! The proper method is to dip the tip of your thumb and index finger and rubbing them lightly. Under no circumstances should you wash your hands with the contents of your finger bowl.
  5. In the event that someone says something worthy of laughter, don’t just start rolling around in your chair. Tilt your head down with eyes looking up, then look at the people next to you while laughing in to your fist or your napkin.
  6. We neglected to discuss the all telling soup spoon. The proper soup spoon is round and not oval; however, occasionally you may encounter an oval-shaped soup spoon. One of the quickest ways of identifying a charlatan and pretender is by observing how they use the soup spoon. The soup spoon is brought to the lips and the soup is sipped from the spoon. If you see someone sticking the spoon in their mouth they  immediately reveal themselves as inconsequential. Oval spoons require that you place your lips along the long edge. Never insert the narrow edge of an oval spoon in your mouth.

Observing these very simple rules will result in a favorable impression, leading to further invitations.

Have a great weekend everyone! Be safe, enjoy some quality time with your friends and family. In closing I would like to say that 2016 is a crucial year for our country, so stay engaged and participate. I shit you not!

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